Steven Wright Quotes

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old
lady had to help me across the street.

If you write the word ”monkey” a million times, do you start to think you’re
Shakespeare?

You know how it is when you’re reading a book and falling asleep, you’re
reading, reading…and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I’m
like that all the time.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment
somewhere.


Smoking cures weight problems…eventually…

I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it.
Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.


Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, ”what for?”

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare. — Steven Wright

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all
day. When I got home the front door wouldn’t open.

I got a garage door opener. It can’t close. Just open.


You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that’s part of the experiment?
I’m like that all the time.

I went over to the neighbor’s and asked to borrow a cup of salt. ”What are you
making?” ”A salt lick.”

There aren’t enough days in the weekend.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors.
The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.


Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.

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