Steven Wright Quotes

The sky is falling…no, I’m tipping over backwards.

Droughts are because god didn’t pay his water bill.

Is ”tired old cliche” one?

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?


It only rains straight down. God doesn’t do windows.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of
three-by-fives.

The sign said ”eight items or less”. So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it
was none of my business.


I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it
back.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period.
Every crime ends with a sentence.


I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader’s Digest on microfilm. By
the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts.
They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of
play-dough.


I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit
gum.

I went to a garage sale. ”How much for the garage?” ”It’s not for sale.”

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of
sugar. ”You didn’t borrow this.” ”I will.”


I had my coathangers spayed.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.


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