Steven Wright Quotes

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, ”Got any shoes you’re not using?”

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.


Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, ”Wish you were here.”

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

”Did you sleep well?” ”No, I made a couple of mistakes.”

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo
cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of
the afternoon’s appointments.


My socks DO match. They’re the same thickness.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the
road an hour.

I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.


I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape
of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren’t included.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to have to paint it.

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.


What’s another word for Thesaurus?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms
with me. I said, ”Well, what do you need?”

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?


I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I
stood in line for some cake. They said, ”Do you want white cake or chocolate
cake?” I said, ”yes”.

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